


Beloved, Who Taught You Shame?

by Charlie572



Category: Supernatural, Wayward Daughters - Fandom, Wayward Sisters - Fandom
Genre: Aromantic Character, Coming Out, Gen, Genderfluid Character, I'm genderfluid, Lesbian Character, am lonely insecure bean, aromantic lesbian character, femme and use they/them pronouns, genderfluid claire, happy pride i might be editing this a third time, hey I added some cursing bc it's what Kim Rhodes would have wanted, it's from the heart, like Claire, please for the love of chuck leave me comments i'm refreshing this page every 2 minutes, so just...be gentle with this one ok, the author--freeform, writing this fic helped me come out in real life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-07 17:45:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14676219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charlie572/pseuds/Charlie572
Summary: Claire Novak is genderfluid. At some point they'll have to tell Jody. They run into some challenges.





	Beloved, Who Taught You Shame?

**Author's Note:**

> I've known I wasn't cis for about a year. And man, if I thought coming to terms with not being straight was hard, I was in for a whole new battle over the gender thing. I wasn't actually planning on coming out, but then I joined a queer church and I wrote this fic and I just...did. To my sunday school class, that is. They were cool with it. 
> 
> UPDATE: As of May 26th 2018 I'm out to my mom, with plans to be more or less out when I go to college next year.
> 
> The title of this story comes from what Cas wishes he could tell Claire: 
> 
> I see you hurt. I see you struggle. You cannot even name that part of you that hurts, that longs to be let into the light. Do you remember when you were young? Do you remember a time before you knew what it meant to be ashamed? Before you thought yourself broken? There is shame in you now, beloved, deep in your soul. Who was it that taught you thus? Do you not remember that you are holy? Do you not remember that you are love, begotten by love, carried by love, brought up in love, sustained by love, to overflow with love? You are precious, my child. You are so precious. And your shame is not of God. So why do you feel it? Why is your love given to everyone but yourself? This fear of self, this hatred which causes you to hide your soul, it is not of God. What can it be but a result of the fall? I pray that you will discover more of yourself, through courageous love of your whole self. Abandon your fear, and be free.

Jody’s making a sandwich in the kitchen the first time she wants to come out. The idea comes out of nowhere, like in a movie. Claire can imagine beginning an autobiography with “The first time I wanted to come out to Jody, we were in the kitchen…” But then Claire remembers she’s been femme for a week and she’s probably faking it. She tells Jody to leave the jelly knife out for her.

 

"Fuck," Claire says. Because this isn't network tv, and life gets a little stressful sometimes. "Fuck," she says again. She feels better. Sort of.

 

They’re watching tv the second time. Well, Jody and Alex are watching tv. Claire is watching Jody and Alex watch tv and wishing they could just spit it out, just shout “I’m genderfluid” and then run out of the room and never face the consequences. It’s the realization that they don’t want to face the consequences that makes Claire turn and glue their eyes to the tv. Alex asks Claire to pass the chips.

 

She puts on eyeliner. And takes it off. And puts it on again. And takes it off. 

She puts the eyeliner back on and slips a makeup wipe into her pocket in case she needs to take it off later.

Makeup doesn’t equal gender. This is stupid. She’s stupid.

She doesn’t use the makeup wipe. But she can feel the eyeliner sitting on top of her skin the entire night.

 

They should call Cas. Cas would listen. But if they’re really genderfluid, why do they need somebody else to tell them who they are?

Claire does call Cas, but only talks about the latest case he’s been on. Claire thinks she should ask Cas for his pronouns, just to practice, but then realizes they’ve just misgendered themselves, so they say nothing.

 

And then there’s the nights they don’t know what their gender is. Is she femme? Neutral? Maybe between the gender switches, there’s a period of overlap? Are they bigender sometimes? Then she’s femme again and sure she’s faked everything up until this point.

 

She calls Cas. Or, she thinks about it. The phone is right there. A frightening thought— Cas can sense longing and will probably call her if she continues this line of thought. They bury themselves under their covers with some Brooklyn 99 and cry when Rosa comes out as bisexual. 

 

Claire’s finger hover’s over the youtube “play” button. Or the mouse hovers over the play button. Claire’s not really paying attention to what writing tropes they’re living out. What they are paying attention to is the title of the song: “Born This Way.” Were they born this way? Claire thinks back, and back, and back. They close youtube and open the same song on spotify. A piece of lgbt culture. The beat’s nice, but they can’t get into the message.

 

They remember being seventeen and uncomfortable, like there was a bug bite somewhere under their skin, not being able to scratch the itch. They remember how hard it was to breathe, how stupid they felt for freaking out, how they finally convinced themselves to pretend for 10 minutes that they weren’t a girl. And then those ten minutes turned into an hour, into a day, into walking through a grocery store and next to the bottled water, out of nowhere, feeling like a guy, but that only happened once so they’re still not sure what to make of it. 

 

They loved dinosaurs as a kid. Their favorite was the stegosaurus. It was very round, and big, and it should have been scary, but it wasn’t. It was just a big friendly plant-eating dinosaur, and four-year-old Claire loved that dinosaur more than life itself. More than ponies and pink dresses. And that was evidence enough. It would have to be.

 

Claire calls Cas for real, but they can’t tell him. They try, but they end up talking about womanist theory and the domestication of cats instead. It’s so weird, and normal, and Cas knows that Claire knows that Cas knows that something’s up, but he doesn’t push. Mercifully, he doesn’t push. But it’s the way he says goodbye, be careful, so gently, that Claire decides to tell Jody over Sunday brunch.

 

It’s so much of a bigger deal than it was the last few times. Coming out as a lesbian? Casual aside over a chick flick. Coming out as aromantic? A little defining of terms. But the gender thing is…it’s new. It’s new and Claire is in agony and they’ve only ever met like two other people who used they/them pronouns, and no one who’s genderfluid like they are. No one who’s older than they are. They don’t have a role model. Or a road map. And they feel so, so alone.

 

They weren’t expecting to cry. A few tears, maybe, but ugly-sobbing? Covering their eyes with their hands? Practically hiding from her sister and the woman who raised them both? Claire didn’t want to do that. They didn’t want to misgender themselves in their own head either, but here they are. Sitting at the kitchen table. Sobbing into their spaghetti and just barely choking out the words.

 

Jody hugs Claire for a long time. She doesn’t say anything, but she kisses the top of Claire’s head, and that’s enough. Claire takes a long time to calm down. They shake and their cheeks burn and they’re sweating in embarrassing places. 

 

Later, as they’re washing dishes, Alex chases Claire through the house, with a noodle that was in the bottom of the sink, and asks if the “biker barbie” ribbing is okay. Claire thinks for a minute, and says that it is.

 

“I’m just…not a girl, okay? So…just, yeah.”

 

“Still a loser," Alex laughs.

 

Claire answers with a smooth “Whatever…nerd…” and a middle finger.

 

Claire opens their phone later that night, fires off a quick 

 

     “Hey Cas, I’m genderfluid.” 

 

Before they can even think what else to say, Cas texts back, 

 

     “Me too” and a heart emoji. 

 

Oh. Claire asks about pronouns, Cas says he uses any. 

 

     “I use they/them,” Claire says. 

 

     Okay <3

 

Claire closes their eyes. Breathes in, breathes out.  Okay. 

 

_Okay_.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This story has given me life. May it give you life as well.  
> And to anyone who has yet to, or cannot come out? It will get easier. The first time you say it is ALWAYS the worst.
> 
> And to anyone still struggling, like me, with the sense of shame that comes with not fitting in a certain box, help me remember that our shame is not from God. We are ourselves, and we are loved, and we are good. Someday, life shall be but love, and every moment we love ourselves, we move the world a little closer to that day.
> 
> My tumblr is @dinosaurrainbowstarfish if you want to come talk about my writing, or wayward sisters, or anything. Also please sign the petition to save Wayward Sisters, and tweet the cw network about it! We want this show to air!


End file.
